The Battle For Swamp Ass – Lessness

by | July 10, 2020 | Opinions, Life

Battle of Samp Ass Lessness

The warmer months are upon us, and as a denimhead, this can really mean only one thing: SWEATY, SWEATY CROTCHES! That’s right, swamp ass, what did you think I was going to say? Shorts? Hell no.

Let’s be honest; we denim nerds really thrive during two seasons Fall and Winter. After our prime time, we are condemned to three to six months of constant crotch sweat. Sure, you can change your heavy denim rotation for something light and airy, but then again, you could not wear jeans at all. How can you manage and reduce the joys and wonders that we all know as Swamp Ass, or SwAss (TM)?

Swamp Ass is coming.

Luckily for you, I have done the research, I have tested the products, and I have come up with two winners and two methods to curb your nuts sticking to your inner thighs. Hopefully, this will help my brothers-in-denim enjoy the summer months without the discomfort that comes from a hot, sticky, irritating, and chaffed up nether region that smells like an 8th-grade locker room after gym class.

The first method is to find an excellent moisture-wicking/cooling pair of underwear. This right here is probably the most important thing you can do to fight off the dreaded swamp ass. Even though cotton underwear will help you lower region air out, it’s all but useless once it’s damp. That’s why it’s essential to find a good moisture-wicking pair of drawers.

There are plenty of brands out there that claim to help fight off SwAss (TM). But for me, there is only one winner: The Armachillo. Duluth Trading company‘s “Armachillo” underwear is designed to wick away moisture and have the added benefit of cooling your “hot zone” down as they get moist. Let’s see cotton do that.

Now the next thing to do in the battle against swamp ass is to find a way to keep the Olsen twins high and dry. Tons of different powders and potions claim to help in this department. You’ve likely tried many of the following: Goldbond medicated powder, Johnson & Johnson’s baby powder, hell, even tried Anti-Monkey Butt powder.

Though all three are effective in keeping you dry, they come with drawbacks, not the least filling your pants and covering your floor with white power. This isn’t Miami in the ’80s; Tony Montoya isn’t your roommate. No point in looking like you supported his last bender while sitting on your toilet.

Personally, after testing, I rely on FRESH BALLS. Yep FRESH BALLS. Once more with feeling… F-R-E-S-H B-A-L-L-S. Really, I just wanted to see how many times I could write and get you to read “fresh balls.” The count is currently four. Fresh Balls (five!) is a talc-free lotion that you rub on your bits and pieces like a moisturizer. As it drys, it Harry Potter’s itself into a powder that’s already clinging to your fun bag, saving you the mess on the floor.

While we are engaged in this “Battle for Swamp-Ass-lessness,” let’s not forget to fight the funk the summer creates in our jeans. You know, that mix of musk, damp crotch, and regret… Luckily, you can get some great cleaning sprays for your jeans: Railcar, CMBD, and Momotaro make denim specific disinfectant/refresh sprays. Alternatively, Zeus Beard makes a natural deodorant spray that I have been using for years on my jeans. If you need something a little more industrial-strength, Tide makes a killer spray and is shown to be effective at killing up to 99.9% of bacteria.

Tide Spray to kill the swamp ass bacteria

We have enough to worry about right now; 2020 has been entirely out of control. While maintaining proper fun zone/denim hygiene may not rank high on the list of importance in life at the moment, it should at least be considered. After all…who wants to quarantine with Swamp-Thing? If you’re feeling ripe or just want to stay fresh and ahead of swamp ass, give these methods a try and let us know if you’ve found better solutions…also, if you say shorts, we will kindly show you the door!

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About the Author

Tristan Chamberlin

Tristan Chamberlin

My name is Tristan, Senior Author and Resident Expert at The arcuate. I'm a walking wiki of worthless knowledge and father of two who watches trash Anime, drinks bourbon, and has opinions about life the universe and who best Waifu’s are. Oh and I like denim...